"You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride. You will drink of My lips, and you'll taste new life. You're My beloved. Lover, I'm yours. Death shall not part us; it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be. My love, it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery."
Beloved, Tenth Avenue North
This week, my heart is sad for the women on campus. Ok, really my heart is always saddened for those women, but particularly this week. I got this CD in the mail for my birthday from another missionary who is a best friend out in New Jersey. It included the song from which the lyrics above came from. The lyrics are having a two-fold effect on my life: the first is in my own prayer, the second is in my heart of ministry.
I told everyone it was going to happen this weekend. Even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't help myself. I had my vocational crisis. This year was different. In years past, it has been, "Lord, I just want to be married! You and I both know I'm not ready for it, but it's what I want! Please!!!!" This year, I looked at my prayer, my heart and my natural life and saw a readiness for marriage. This time it was, "Lord, here I am. I want to be patient, because I know patience will make me more beautiful and ready." This song just reminded me of the steadfast love of the Lord. It's beautiful! My heart was steadied in the stormy ocean of fear and mistrust that I created around it by the everlasting love of the One who pursues me day and night. What a relentless pursuit to just immerse yourself in!
My heart hurts this week. This song just reminds me of the tireless mercy of a God who died for us. I watch the women walk by on campus, wounded, broken and unwilling to yield to the only love and healing that will bring them to where their little hearts need to be. They are giving into lovers who won't satisfy - alcohol abuse, drug use, impure relationships, surface-level friendships that never actually address the need of the women's heart, and men who only want to use women for their bodies (and the women, in turn, using men for their emotional love instead of real love). It's one thing or another, but these women are all broken and hurting. Bruised, bleeding, dying on the inside from some gaping wound they're trying to put a BandAid on. I watch each of them, I interact with them, and a piece of me cries every time they shut Him out.
Today I had a beautiful conversation with a fellow missionary who is serving at Benedictine College. We were talking "vocational preparation" times that the Lord blesses us with. Mine was this Saturday evening. I was responsible for cooking a meal for 20 people. Normally this isn't an issue, but we were on a budget, and I needed to make it nice! I was really nervous, but I surveyed what we already had and came up with a menu that included two pasta dishes and sugar-free dessert. I realized it must have tasted good when my teammate Chris helped himself to five plates of the chicken dish! I was telling my friend Sean Pott that it was vocational prep. He laughed, agreed, and then told me about a time recently he had a "vocational prep" moment. I said, "You know, those are the moments that you're really excited they happen, but then your heart breaks a little when you realize you're not actually there. But you look at the cross, and realize how happy you really are to be exactly where you are!" I am estatic to be the one who reaches those women for Christ. I get to be the one who helps her pick our her chastity ring to recommit herself to a pure life, I get to be the one to share with her for the first time how Christ doesn't just love her, but is madly and passionately in love with her, I get to be the one she calls when she breaks off that relationship that causes the chasm between her and Christ, I get to comfort her when he ends the relationship between them because he "just doesn't like her any more". I am so very blessed to be single. I am so very blessed to be like the Blessed Virgin and pointing them back to Christ over and over. Thank you, Jesus!