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Virtue of Patience

During fall outreach, I was having an absolute blast. I enjoyed meeting students and trying to convince them to be involved in a FOCUS Bible study. My one sadness was that, while we were getting a crazy amount of numbers, I was having a hard time finding a student or two or three who were looking like they were going to be potential student leaders. Sure, we had sophomores who were excited and getting ready to run with the mission, but we needed those freshmen! I was excited, but getting a little discouraged. I just prayed on my way to an event on campus. I asked God, "Where the heck are the leaders?" I went to the event, and Levi, one of our future at the time student leaders (meaning he's a student leader now, but he wasn't at the time), introduced Pam and me to a group of students who wanted to get involved in something Catholic, since they were, in fact, Catholic themselves. One of the girls and I started having an intense conversation. In the middle, she started crying and said, "Before I came down here, I was sitting with my Bible open and just asking Jesus for fellowship - strong, Catholic fellowship!" She was praying around the same time I was. I thought that surely this was the girl who was meant to be a student leader.

Fast forward a couple months - she'd been going to Bible study regularly and faithfully. She was doing really well. Then, all of the sudden, she disappeared, right about the time I wanted to start investing more heavily in her. I couldn't get a hold of her, and didn't see her for three weeks! It was strange. She suddenly showed back up and acted as though everything was ok. We had a strong conversation about how she basically dropped our friendship. I was so frustrated because I thought she was the student leader we were looking for! It turns out that's not the case - she didn't even go to our National Conference.

The semester started abruptly, and this girl was on fire. She attended the Passion Conference over break, and was lit up about everything. We had an honest conversation about Living Order and being faithful. I wanted her to think hard about stepping up as a student who could lead others around her. She became crazy faithful. She started bringing others to Mass and Bible study - girls I could never reach myself. She's on fire.

If I had started having the leadership conversations with this girl first semester, we'd have a weaker student in leadership who isn't stable and faithful enough to lead others her age. She's already basically discipling other girls. She even took over my Bible study this week when I went to the Team Director Summit in Nebraska to further discern whether I am called to be a Team Director next year or not! I've been impressed. I'm grateful the train was slowed for me though; patience is a great virtue.

Pray for this girl, as we continue to have conversations about discipleship. I think she'll be in discipleship before Spring Break!

Bus Craziness, Getting Lost in Florida, and Losing my Roommate to St. Louis

Conference

Really that's what this is about. You may be asking yourself, "What is conferenec?" Well, I'll tell you. Conference is where about 4,000 college students, crazy about Jesus, get even more crazy about Jesus, and happen to celebrate New Year's Eve with Matt Maher. Sounds a little nuts, right? Well, you'd be right in that thinking! I wanted to write down my conference experiences, as I'm seeing conference in a new light - as a missionary. While it's my second year on staff, making me, I guess, a seasoned veteran, I've never experienced conference in this way before - work. I'll take you day by day in the life of Manda Poffel at conference - it's hilarious.

MONDAY - I left my parents' house in Denver at 6am. My mom and dad sent me on my way (both had already left for work!) to drive through Nebraska to get my disciple, Sarah Phillips. Jesus is funny. I made it most of the way without getting lost, but once Sarah and I stopped in Lincoln for gas, life was over. We ended up miles from highway two, which connects people who are in I-80 to I-29 getting them to Kansas City. Luckily, a dear friend is a missionary there, and he was willing and able to direct us the right way. Thanks, Chris!

We finally made it home, and waited for my college roommates (who were riding the bus with us) to get to my house in Kansas City, Missouri - where we would eat the chicken lasagna they would be bringing. Mmmmm. They made it, we ate, and life was great as we all hunkered down for sleep that night. Pam and I made our way to the airport around midnight to pick up some girls from California. I suppose the pre-conference job of a missionary is never done! ;)

TUESDAY - Waking early for Mass at 8:15am, we made our sleepy way to St. Peter down the street. This is where Amanda (former college roommate) fell on the ice. This is where the jokes about a donut pillow started. After Mass, the craziness began. The buses were going to be at St. Peter's at 1:00. It was now 9:00am. I needed to unpack from break, pack for conference, get about twelve different documents printed off, call a speaker, call another person who was on staff, and make sure things were set with the bus company. Needless to say, I was late to the bus. I told students to be at the bus at 1:30pm. I started getting phone calls at 12:45pm asking where the buses were, and where I was. This added stress and anxiety. I tried to steady myself, but eventually gave my phone to a student to have them start answering any questions about directions or where the buses were.

I finally made my way to the buses, met the drivers and set up a system for checking in. I met with my bus captains, and then just let them take over from there. I found out my teammate Pam was on her way to the airport, just around the time that everyone was on the buses. We tried to stall the buses so that Pam could make it back in time, but that just wasn't going to happen. We got the buses on their way, and gave Pam good directions to St. Louis - where we were going to meet about twenty-five more students to load up. So, we get on our way. I sit in my seat and try to relax, but I realize that I'm still in charge. Even though all of our students are here, on the bus, and I have four AMAZING bus captains running the show for the next 26 hours. However, my security blanket, my team director, my Pam, was not with us. She was driving around Missouri, no clue where she was going, and I was on a bus, scared out of my mind because I was suddenly in charge of everyone! I tried to settle down and just have conversation with those around me, but I realized I wasn't fully present. I made my way to the back of the bus to meet everyone on our bus, and escaped to the restroom. I hid myself in it for a few minutes to pray out all my fear. I had no idea what was going to happen!

Moving on, my bus captains did such a great job, that the four hour drive to St. Louis seemed to fly by. I finally got there, and Pam pulled in about 1/2 an hour later. Life was good again, and my security blanket was back. :) Students were happily (really, more grudgingly) eating their McDonald's, and we were back on the road. I hadn't lost anyone yet.

WEDNESDAY - Tuesday night into Wednesday morning was interesting. We hunkered down for the night, and I got myself some Tylenol PM in order to be able to catch some Zzz's. Eventually, Morgan and I realized that both of us trying to sleep on the bus seat was not going to work, no matter the amount of Tylenol PM. I threw my sleeping bag under the seat and stretched out on the floor. YES! Sweet, sweet sleep.

Until 3am when we swtiched bus drivers. Ok, time to not judge Manda. When the new driver got on the bus, she made her presence very much known. I was awake, and I could hear her. I chose not to get up until we were securely on the highway. I just asked her to continue to drive until more students were awake for breakfast. Again, back to sleep, sweet sweet sleep.

We finally rolled into Florida around noon. Nancy, our wonderful new bus driver, made a stop at the first rest stop in Florida because they offer a free cup of orange juice. The students were so excited for the sunshine and free juice! What a gift!

Around three or four pm we got ourselves to the hotel in Orlando. We were so exited when we finally saw the Mariott World Center Resort. We gout ourselves checked into the conference center, and made our ways up to the hotel's check-in desk. At this point I was experiencing relief because all of our students were safely in Orlando. Nothing too drastic happened, outside of having to make one stop for Dramamine. My relief was quickly drained when I made my way up to the front desk of the hotel - the line was almost three hours long for check-in. I began to make my way to the front to the missionary check in. I checked in, ran my bags to the room, and came running back down with my computer. In the back of the line were our students from NWMSU, MWSU, MSU, UCM and UMKC. I started getting them together by their rooms. I did the best I could with the students who were from the other universities, but I had no guarantees that the room assignments were going to remain the way we had sent them in. You can imagine my relief was quickly draining when I noticed that our students were not going to get their showers, dinner and room keys before the first talk of the evening and Mass. I was UPSET. I got them squared away, made my way to my room to eat a quick dinner of salad and ran down the stairs to the first talk and Mass. Our students started trickling in slowly. We were exhausted, but Matthew Kelly did an amazing job keeping our students awake. He challenged them to be more awake in weekly Mass, to bring our Bibles to every Mass and to bring a "Mass journal" to every homily in order to take from the Mass. Mass was amazing. Finally we had a concert by Matthew West. He was amazing; the girls swooned until they saw the ring on his left hand. Haha. One of his songs was played at one of our women's nights last semester - History - and so some of the women were really excited about it when he played it. The students were exhausted, so we all hit the hay.

THURSDAY - Happy New Year's Eve! My day started with a 7:15am meeting about Impact Session Speakers. That day I had an impact speaker to take care of, and an Archbishop to pick up from the airport. I was excited - conference was in full swing. I got myself ready, and found a spot to make sure all of the details from each pseaker were confirmed, and that I knew where I was going. I spent the first Concurrent Session getting my bearings. Our students were in talks, getting their excitement on for the concert that night. I made my way down to Mass, and then lunch. Ate with the students - it was awesome. We moved our way to the Impact sessions. I had a blast introducing Jenny Uebbing for her talk. Got the students excited about their Matt Maher concert that night - and made them practice their countdown. :) Jenny's talk was about Green Sex - it talked about how artificial contraception, the pill in particular, wasn't "green" and, more importantly, that it was bad for women's bodies. It was unfortunate that Jenny had to leave immediately after her second talk, but it was a joy for me. A young woman approached me after the talk and asked me questions. I got to share with her the joys of NFP - Natural Family Planning - and why the pill is bad for her, in particular. It was wonderful. I gave her Jenny's email address so she could ask more questions, but I also gave her mine. She hasn't emailed yet.

After the Impact talks, I had to run over to the Impact office and grab keys to one of the cars - I was on my way to the airport to pick up Archbishop Chaput. Let's just say I was a lot nervous. I made it through the traffic and made it to the airport early. I had my sign that said, "Archbishop Chaput", but I knew what he looked like, and he knows me. He mentioned it was silly for me to have the sign, when I finally saw him. I felt so proud of myself as I successfully navigated through the airport and found the rental car. I made my way out of terminal, and onto the interstate. Life was good, our exit was about a mile away, and the Archbishop and I were having excellent conversation, and I was feeling great. When I exited, I didn't see that the exit was a regular exit, a left exit and then another exit on the right. Well, you miss one of those, and you end up in Disney World. So, Archbishop Chaput, the kindest, gentlest, most patient man I know, just said, "Well, it's ok because I wanted to see Disney World." Ha. What a great guy. We get turned around, and get back onto the right road - International Drive. I got a little confused about the left turn lane into the hotel, ended up turning too early, and was forced to make yet another U-turn. As we pulled into the valet spot outside, Archbishop asked if it would be ok if he took a cab to the airport Sunday morning. His timing was impeccable. I know his intent was to be nice since it was an early flight Sunday morning, but it was hilarious the timing. We got him checked in, and I asked if he wanted me to help him to his room. He declined; hey, who knows how lost I could've gotten inside the monstrocity of a hotel we had.

That's all I have for now, but I wanted to start updating more and more about conference and the post-conference festivities. Keep an eye out for the days following conference!

Feeding of the 5,000

They all ate and were satisfied. Matthew 15:37

Christmas is coming. After Christmas is New Years'. This year, we are going to Florida for New Years'; our National Conference (NC10) for our students is being held in Orlando this year. As NC10 approaches, we are seeing that we have fewer students going than we had originally anticipated. We know it's not about the numbers, but sometimes it's a little discouraging to set a goal we know we can reach, and watch it dissipate from our grasp. I was praying about so many things today that worry me. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I'm not where I want to be - I get so concerned with where my ministry is, where my fundraising is, where my spiritual life is, and where I am in particular, that I worry too much about the next step. This is hilarious, because I am not a planner by nature. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that. The beauty of it all is that God has a greater plan than anything I could ever come up with. The souls who will be boarding our bus to go to NC10 are a hodge-podge of personalities that I would have never put together on a bus to Florida. While there are only 25 of them, there are about twelve in that group that I would have never expected to go to conference!

God reminds us daily of His boundless mercy and generosity. The passage above was mentioned in my Word Among Us devotional this month. Funny story, I wouldn't have this if it wasn't for Fr. Bob's homily this weekend pointing out the books in the back (being free of charge, of course. Don't worry, my faithful mission partners; I am being very frugal!). The verse reminded me of something: "God will never be outdone in generosity." He fed 5,000 people a nice sit-down dinner; they ate until they were full! How can I be worried about my finances, worried about conference, worried about the bus, when God can definitely handle it! That was a big, "Geeze, Manda!" moment.

Saddened Heart

"You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride. You will drink of My lips, and you'll taste new life. You're My beloved. Lover, I'm yours. Death shall not part us; it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be. My love, it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery."

Beloved, Tenth Avenue North

This week, my heart is sad for the women on campus. Ok, really my heart is always saddened for those women, but particularly this week. I got this CD in the mail for my birthday from another missionary who is a best friend out in New Jersey. It included the song from which the lyrics above came from. The lyrics are having a two-fold effect on my life: the first is in my own prayer, the second is in my heart of ministry.

I told everyone it was going to happen this weekend. Even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't help myself. I had my vocational crisis. This year was different. In years past, it has been, "Lord, I just want to be married! You and I both know I'm not ready for it, but it's what I want! Please!!!!" This year, I looked at my prayer, my heart and my natural life and saw a readiness for marriage. This time it was, "Lord, here I am. I want to be patient, because I know patience will make me more beautiful and ready." This song just reminded me of the steadfast love of the Lord. It's beautiful! My heart was steadied in the stormy ocean of fear and mistrust that I created around it by the everlasting love of the One who pursues me day and night. What a relentless pursuit to just immerse yourself in!

My heart hurts this week. This song just reminds me of the tireless mercy of a God who died for us. I watch the women walk by on campus, wounded, broken and unwilling to yield to the only love and healing that will bring them to where their little hearts need to be. They are giving into lovers who won't satisfy - alcohol abuse, drug use, impure relationships, surface-level friendships that never actually address the need of the women's heart, and men who only want to use women for their bodies (and the women, in turn, using men for their emotional love instead of real love). It's one thing or another, but these women are all broken and hurting. Bruised, bleeding, dying on the inside from some gaping wound they're trying to put a BandAid on. I watch each of them, I interact with them, and a piece of me cries every time they shut Him out.

Today I had a beautiful conversation with a fellow missionary who is serving at Benedictine College. We were talking "vocational preparation" times that the Lord blesses us with. Mine was this Saturday evening. I was responsible for cooking a meal for 20 people. Normally this isn't an issue, but we were on a budget, and I needed to make it nice! I was really nervous, but I surveyed what we already had and came up with a menu that included two pasta dishes and sugar-free dessert. I realized it must have tasted good when my teammate Chris helped himself to five plates of the chicken dish! I was telling my friend Sean Pott that it was vocational prep. He laughed, agreed, and then told me about a time recently he had a "vocational prep" moment. I said, "You know, those are the moments that you're really excited they happen, but then your heart breaks a little when you realize you're not actually there. But you look at the cross, and realize how happy you really are to be exactly where you are!" I am estatic to be the one who reaches those women for Christ. I get to be the one who helps her pick our her chastity ring to recommit herself to a pure life, I get to be the one to share with her for the first time how Christ doesn't just love her, but is madly and passionately in love with her, I get to be the one she calls when she breaks off that relationship that causes the chasm between her and Christ, I get to comfort her when he ends the relationship between them because he "just doesn't like her any more". I am so very blessed to be single. I am so very blessed to be like the Blessed Virgin and pointing them back to Christ over and over. Thank you, Jesus!

Lay it Down

The Lord does not call us to success, but rather to faithfulness.

I've been looking at my efforts as of late, and seeing some success, but not necessarily faithfulness. My team and I were talking this morning; we are busy! There are definitely things in this life that are easy to make an effort toward completing and there are other things in this life that are easy to put on the backburner. How much am I living order this year? I thought I was living out order in my life by investing my very life in my girls, by making sure my administrative tasks are completed on time with excellence, but what is missing? Alot. Recently, I went through a period of 24 hours and wrote down everything I did every fifteen minutes for those 24 hours. I realized I can be much more effective in my life because of how much time I spend outside of my ministry work. I know I am pursuing tasks with excellence now, but I saw a whole world of possibilities open up in front of me when I saw the amount of time I spend elsewhere. I mean, I am still taking my time off; I am still making time for mentorships off campus; I am still making spiritual direction. I am still investing weekly time in my girls. I am still on campus evangelizing. I am still making daily me-time. My administrative tasks are finished, my fundraising is being worked on. How much more could I be doing? Alot. I am not saying I want to kill myself with work. I'm not saying I want to be a work-aholic. I want to see myself being the best I can be for the Lord, and He was asking more of me last week. I sat down with my schedule and realized I had a little more I could give (of course I've reached my limit) ;). I took on another regional responsibility last week. I know this responsibility will stretch me to limits I can't imagine, but I also know God's been preparing my heart (and schedule) for this opportunity. Praise His name!

Reflections...

Today was a very, very long day. It started at 7AM with prayer and ended at 11PM when I came home from rosary with students. It was a good day, though. I got to challenge three girls on living order - yes, studying is important, but getting a 98% on a test is the same in college as a 100%. Studying should never come before time with the Lord. They were pretty receptive. I got to talk with a girl about coming to national conference in December, and she was extremely excited. I got to lead my Bible study; while only three girls showed this week, I still got to share the Gospel with three souls, and for that I'm grateful. I got to pray a rosary with my teammate on campus over the campus and for students' intentions. It was beautiful (and cold). What I wanted to write about was something that happened after all of those amazing things - my car radio.

Ok, so you read earlier how music is just something tuned to my soul; I'm fairly certain both parents are to blame for that. After praying the Rosary with Pam, I sat down in the driver's seat of my car, turned it on, and the country radio station I had left on came on. I was already attune to the spiritual world in my brain, having just meditated on the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, and so when Brad Paisley's song "Then" came across the air waves, I immediately thought of my relationship with Christ. The song starts with the line, "I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met You; You had me mesmerized." That line stuck with me. Just remembering the first time that Christ had really broken through to me through the power of Adoration brought chills through the little Neon. While I had been on other retreats in my life to that point, while I had been to Mass my whole life to that point (thank you, Mommy!), while I had gone to Catholic school my whole life to that point, that time was different. Was it that I was more open? Was it something someone said? Was it the atmosphere? It was the summer of 1999 - just before my freshman year of high school. I don't remember much about that Steubenville of the Rockies Conference, but I do remember Saturday night. It was night time. I remember the announcement that the then-Archdiocesan Director of Youth Ministry made about falling into the aisles or something. I remember that scared me, and so I said, "Who are You?" That was the right question to ask, because He wanted to show me more than anything. Adoration started, and people started crying, rolling down the aisles, etc. I had no idea what was going on. I was singing the songs I had never heard before, looking around at my peers for an explanation, but they all looked a little intent on the monstrance coming down the aisle of the bleachers we were standing on. I stared for a minute, and remember being hit internally with something, Someone. I couldn't speak, I couldn't stop staring - He had me mesmerized. If I had been shown in those moments where I would be ten years later, I would think my Christian Catholic faith was nuts. He's such a smart God. If when I asked that question, He had said, "I'm more powerful than you imagine, Manda. I know EVERYthing about you. Oh, and, in ten years you'll be a second-year missionary with a Catholic Missionary organization on a college campus (oh yes, and you'll have your four-year bachelor's degree by then) in Kansas City, Missouri reaching out to girls who are six and seven years younger than you. And you'll love your job." I probably would have shut down and been sent to an institution. No, He just said, "I AM love." And that's all I needed. As Brad Paisley's song goes on to say, "Now You're my whole life; now You're my whole world....and I thought I loved You then." I thought I loved Christ so much at various moments in my life, even when I was serving with NET. It's so funny how much we grow in years. He's so beautiful, He's so patient. He delivers the gifts and manifests His love in us when He needs it to happen, and when we're actually most ready.

So, I needed that. I needed to know that patience has an answer; the answer is extremely beautiful and sometimes long-winded. So, while I wait for my freshmen girls, my sophomore disciple, and our student leaders to reach where Christ wants them to be, I remember this patience.

I think about all of you tonight, those of you who waited for me to grow up in faith in those times when people now didn't know me (I'm thinking high school). Wherever you are, whether you're a peer in FOCUS now with me (some of my youth ministers in high school), in Colorado waiting for my next text message (family), working with this generation of teens (other youth ministers in high school or other priests, religious and lay people who were speakers, singers, confessors, rappers...etc), know that I pray for you, and thank you for your joyful FIAT to the Lord's call to be patient with me.

"I can't see is how I'm ever going to love You more, but I've said that before. Now You're my whole life, now You're my whole world. We'll look back some day, at this moment that we're in, and I'll look at You and say, 'And I thought I loved You then.' "