Saddened Heart

"You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride. You will drink of My lips, and you'll taste new life. You're My beloved. Lover, I'm yours. Death shall not part us; it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be. My love, it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery."

Beloved, Tenth Avenue North

This week, my heart is sad for the women on campus. Ok, really my heart is always saddened for those women, but particularly this week. I got this CD in the mail for my birthday from another missionary who is a best friend out in New Jersey. It included the song from which the lyrics above came from. The lyrics are having a two-fold effect on my life: the first is in my own prayer, the second is in my heart of ministry.

I told everyone it was going to happen this weekend. Even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't help myself. I had my vocational crisis. This year was different. In years past, it has been, "Lord, I just want to be married! You and I both know I'm not ready for it, but it's what I want! Please!!!!" This year, I looked at my prayer, my heart and my natural life and saw a readiness for marriage. This time it was, "Lord, here I am. I want to be patient, because I know patience will make me more beautiful and ready." This song just reminded me of the steadfast love of the Lord. It's beautiful! My heart was steadied in the stormy ocean of fear and mistrust that I created around it by the everlasting love of the One who pursues me day and night. What a relentless pursuit to just immerse yourself in!

My heart hurts this week. This song just reminds me of the tireless mercy of a God who died for us. I watch the women walk by on campus, wounded, broken and unwilling to yield to the only love and healing that will bring them to where their little hearts need to be. They are giving into lovers who won't satisfy - alcohol abuse, drug use, impure relationships, surface-level friendships that never actually address the need of the women's heart, and men who only want to use women for their bodies (and the women, in turn, using men for their emotional love instead of real love). It's one thing or another, but these women are all broken and hurting. Bruised, bleeding, dying on the inside from some gaping wound they're trying to put a BandAid on. I watch each of them, I interact with them, and a piece of me cries every time they shut Him out.

Today I had a beautiful conversation with a fellow missionary who is serving at Benedictine College. We were talking "vocational preparation" times that the Lord blesses us with. Mine was this Saturday evening. I was responsible for cooking a meal for 20 people. Normally this isn't an issue, but we were on a budget, and I needed to make it nice! I was really nervous, but I surveyed what we already had and came up with a menu that included two pasta dishes and sugar-free dessert. I realized it must have tasted good when my teammate Chris helped himself to five plates of the chicken dish! I was telling my friend Sean Pott that it was vocational prep. He laughed, agreed, and then told me about a time recently he had a "vocational prep" moment. I said, "You know, those are the moments that you're really excited they happen, but then your heart breaks a little when you realize you're not actually there. But you look at the cross, and realize how happy you really are to be exactly where you are!" I am estatic to be the one who reaches those women for Christ. I get to be the one who helps her pick our her chastity ring to recommit herself to a pure life, I get to be the one to share with her for the first time how Christ doesn't just love her, but is madly and passionately in love with her, I get to be the one she calls when she breaks off that relationship that causes the chasm between her and Christ, I get to comfort her when he ends the relationship between them because he "just doesn't like her any more". I am so very blessed to be single. I am so very blessed to be like the Blessed Virgin and pointing them back to Christ over and over. Thank you, Jesus!

Lay it Down

The Lord does not call us to success, but rather to faithfulness.

I've been looking at my efforts as of late, and seeing some success, but not necessarily faithfulness. My team and I were talking this morning; we are busy! There are definitely things in this life that are easy to make an effort toward completing and there are other things in this life that are easy to put on the backburner. How much am I living order this year? I thought I was living out order in my life by investing my very life in my girls, by making sure my administrative tasks are completed on time with excellence, but what is missing? Alot. Recently, I went through a period of 24 hours and wrote down everything I did every fifteen minutes for those 24 hours. I realized I can be much more effective in my life because of how much time I spend outside of my ministry work. I know I am pursuing tasks with excellence now, but I saw a whole world of possibilities open up in front of me when I saw the amount of time I spend elsewhere. I mean, I am still taking my time off; I am still making time for mentorships off campus; I am still making spiritual direction. I am still investing weekly time in my girls. I am still on campus evangelizing. I am still making daily me-time. My administrative tasks are finished, my fundraising is being worked on. How much more could I be doing? Alot. I am not saying I want to kill myself with work. I'm not saying I want to be a work-aholic. I want to see myself being the best I can be for the Lord, and He was asking more of me last week. I sat down with my schedule and realized I had a little more I could give (of course I've reached my limit) ;). I took on another regional responsibility last week. I know this responsibility will stretch me to limits I can't imagine, but I also know God's been preparing my heart (and schedule) for this opportunity. Praise His name!

Reflections...

Today was a very, very long day. It started at 7AM with prayer and ended at 11PM when I came home from rosary with students. It was a good day, though. I got to challenge three girls on living order - yes, studying is important, but getting a 98% on a test is the same in college as a 100%. Studying should never come before time with the Lord. They were pretty receptive. I got to talk with a girl about coming to national conference in December, and she was extremely excited. I got to lead my Bible study; while only three girls showed this week, I still got to share the Gospel with three souls, and for that I'm grateful. I got to pray a rosary with my teammate on campus over the campus and for students' intentions. It was beautiful (and cold). What I wanted to write about was something that happened after all of those amazing things - my car radio.

Ok, so you read earlier how music is just something tuned to my soul; I'm fairly certain both parents are to blame for that. After praying the Rosary with Pam, I sat down in the driver's seat of my car, turned it on, and the country radio station I had left on came on. I was already attune to the spiritual world in my brain, having just meditated on the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, and so when Brad Paisley's song "Then" came across the air waves, I immediately thought of my relationship with Christ. The song starts with the line, "I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met You; You had me mesmerized." That line stuck with me. Just remembering the first time that Christ had really broken through to me through the power of Adoration brought chills through the little Neon. While I had been on other retreats in my life to that point, while I had been to Mass my whole life to that point (thank you, Mommy!), while I had gone to Catholic school my whole life to that point, that time was different. Was it that I was more open? Was it something someone said? Was it the atmosphere? It was the summer of 1999 - just before my freshman year of high school. I don't remember much about that Steubenville of the Rockies Conference, but I do remember Saturday night. It was night time. I remember the announcement that the then-Archdiocesan Director of Youth Ministry made about falling into the aisles or something. I remember that scared me, and so I said, "Who are You?" That was the right question to ask, because He wanted to show me more than anything. Adoration started, and people started crying, rolling down the aisles, etc. I had no idea what was going on. I was singing the songs I had never heard before, looking around at my peers for an explanation, but they all looked a little intent on the monstrance coming down the aisle of the bleachers we were standing on. I stared for a minute, and remember being hit internally with something, Someone. I couldn't speak, I couldn't stop staring - He had me mesmerized. If I had been shown in those moments where I would be ten years later, I would think my Christian Catholic faith was nuts. He's such a smart God. If when I asked that question, He had said, "I'm more powerful than you imagine, Manda. I know EVERYthing about you. Oh, and, in ten years you'll be a second-year missionary with a Catholic Missionary organization on a college campus (oh yes, and you'll have your four-year bachelor's degree by then) in Kansas City, Missouri reaching out to girls who are six and seven years younger than you. And you'll love your job." I probably would have shut down and been sent to an institution. No, He just said, "I AM love." And that's all I needed. As Brad Paisley's song goes on to say, "Now You're my whole life; now You're my whole world....and I thought I loved You then." I thought I loved Christ so much at various moments in my life, even when I was serving with NET. It's so funny how much we grow in years. He's so beautiful, He's so patient. He delivers the gifts and manifests His love in us when He needs it to happen, and when we're actually most ready.

So, I needed that. I needed to know that patience has an answer; the answer is extremely beautiful and sometimes long-winded. So, while I wait for my freshmen girls, my sophomore disciple, and our student leaders to reach where Christ wants them to be, I remember this patience.

I think about all of you tonight, those of you who waited for me to grow up in faith in those times when people now didn't know me (I'm thinking high school). Wherever you are, whether you're a peer in FOCUS now with me (some of my youth ministers in high school), in Colorado waiting for my next text message (family), working with this generation of teens (other youth ministers in high school or other priests, religious and lay people who were speakers, singers, confessors, rappers...etc), know that I pray for you, and thank you for your joyful FIAT to the Lord's call to be patient with me.

"I can't see is how I'm ever going to love You more, but I've said that before. Now You're my whole life, now You're my whole world. We'll look back some day, at this moment that we're in, and I'll look at You and say, 'And I thought I loved You then.' "

The Lost Get Found...

Today I was lamenting in prayer that I haven't been spending enough time evangelizing. I prayed so hard that the Lord would give me His words to say to His people. I am struggling immensely in prayer, being exhausted all the time (trying to remain joyful through it, thanks to Fr. Rocha ;) ), that it's been a struggle to stay focused on campus. A lot of my mind has been on just getting through the day, so I can just rest, so I can just have a good day tomorrow. Today was a day that I reminded myself that today is the only guarantee we have.

I was eating lunch in the University Center with one of our regular students. She dressed up and took me to lunch at the cafeteria to tell me she ended things with a relationship that just plain wasn't good. As we were chatting, my teammate Roger came by with another student I had just met on Tuesday. Soon after, a third student, and fifth person altogether, came by and sat with us at the lunch table. We were laughing and chatting, having a great time. When there was a lull in the conversation I made a comment about our country possibly becoming a socialist nation. The male student who came with Roger agreed and began a discussion about that. I had to step away from the table, as I saw my disciple out of the corner of my eye, and wanted to chat a few minutes with her. When I returned, the discussion of the table had gone from socialism to sexual education within the school systems. We seemed to have a healthy dialogue, and all agreed that there needed to be some kind of reform. It saddened me that the students weren't even entirely informed about the repercussions of sexual intercourse before marriage. I had the opportunity to explain my "abstinence only" view, and how it was really more than abstinence only to a "chasisty only". I explained how sex is a beautiful thing, but that it's meant within the confines of a marriage. I was able to show them the chemical bonds that human beings make during any kind of sexual act. It was kind of an eye-opening experience for them. All of the sudden, the male student sitting next to me said something about being in a Catholic school. So, I started that conversation with him.

I asked him if he was Catholic, and he replied, "Yes, well, not really. I guess I am, but I don't practice any more, so, yes and no. I guess I shouldn't say that I am." I asked him why he wasn't praciticing, and he said he didn't really have a good reason besides laziness. He told me about his parents, and how they used to be devout when they first went through the RCIA program, but how they grew complacent with time. He told me that he'd get into his faith when he was older. I knew I had an opportunity to share with him a little bit about not having a guaranteed tomorrow at that moment. I talked about a friend who died in a car accident when I was 15. She wasn't a close friend at the time, but we had played soccer together in middle school and wanted to be closer. We lost that chance. He said, "It would have to take something like that for me to get into my faith." I asked him, "What does Jesus have to do for you to practice being Catholic again?" (I learned this from another missionary.) He replied, "I don't know. I've never thought about it." Then he proceeded to tell me about his former friend, who he now hates, because he got into drugs. He just kept saying, "I hate him. I don't even care about him any more. I don't care at all." I answered, "Yeah, I think you care more than you're saying." His eyes teared up a little as he said that he agreed and didn't want to talk about it any more. At that moment, he got up from the table, mentioned to Roger and I that he'd always swipe us in if we ever needed to get into the cafeteria, and left at that. What a whirlwind of a day!

I definitely took to heart this conversation. You have no idea who you're going to bump into and what kind of healing they're putting off. I said a prayer for him today, and was able to share with Roger and the other student how I managed to get this guy to open up a little. Praise the Lord!

Now I'm off to make brownies in the dorms and lead my Thursday night Freshmen women's Bible study. I'm excited! Pray for me!

Isn't it a Joy?

"Isn't it a joy to be exhausted for the Lord?"

-Fr. Richard Rocha

This morning, I was running behind for prayer. Ok, I wasn't late, but I was enroute to be exactly on time. Normally this is ok, but this morning I ran into the Diocesan Vocations' Director, who also happens to be our chaplain at UMKC, as I was walking past St. Peter school to get to the chapel inside the "Legacy Center". Fr. Rocha is an amazing and joy-filled man. I wanted to share with him the joy the Lord had given me the previous evening. He said, "MANDA! How are you this fine morning?" All my mind could muster to answer at the time was, "So tired, Father." He smiled and said, "Isn't it a joy to be exhausted for the Lord?" I have to admit, that wasn't my first thought when my alarm went off this morning. I thought, "Wow, I'm tired." THEN I thought, "I had the most amazing three and 1/2 hours last night."

Last night I went to my first weekly Bible study. While this is my second year on campus at UMKC, I had the senior women in Bible study last year, and so I am starting over; I have the freshmen women in Bible study. I've been extremely impressed with them thus far, but I was a little nervous. The first Bible study is always a little awkward, especially when you have to explain to the women, who are still teenagers, that you're actually a college graduate, not even of this school, and you're a good 7 years older than them. Anyway, I had 7 of the many girls I called come; this is a very high number for UMKC. We started off just sharing a little bit about ourselves and our week. Then we dove into Scripture. We talked about God's amazing plan for our lives; how He is the only source of peace and joy in our lives. During the conversation, one girl answered one of my questions this way, "Ok, Manda, I know you want me to say that the reason there's unhappiness in the world is that there's separation from God, but I can't say that. I feel like a hypocrit." I asked her to explain, and she got vulnerable. It was an awesome moment to show her that we're all broken (I got to share my testimony), and for me to see where she is in her life with Christ. We planned a coffee date for Thursday evening (before I come home for the weekend for Alyssa and Sean's wedding in Greeley!), and I hope to talk with her more about her unanswered questions. Pray for me! I'm pretty sure I don't have the answers, but I'm finding hope in the fact that God is allowing her heart to be open to us even through her brokenness!

After Bible study is the part that really made me exhausted today. One of the girls was sticking around helping me clean things up. She's an amazing freshmen woman who just wants Christ to be at the center of her life. We talked about what study would look more like throughout the course of the semester and year, and she seemed really excited. We talked for a few minutes, and something came up that prompted me to ask her about her prayer life. This spurned into a long conversation about where she is in her life. She shared about this confusing situation with a man (isn't it always about men? ;) ). She told me about how she wanted to put Christ first, but didn't know where to go from here; she didn't know where to start. We proceeded to have a 2 and 1/2 hour conversation about prayer, situations, what we are supposed to do in our lives to grow closer to Christ. It was so providencial that I am currently reading a book (by raving reviews of friends, of course) called I Believe in Love. It's a personal retreat set up upon the writings of St. Therese of Lesieux (St. Therese the Little Flower). One of the meditations I read in prayer yesterday was that when Christ called St. Peter, the first Pope of the Catholic Church, the one He gave keys to the kingdom to, He didn't say, "Peter, will you be a man of character and great leader? Will you be as perfect as possible, as sinless as possible, in order to better my kingdom?" No, Christ said, "Peter, do you love Me?" I confided in this girl that it's a struggle of mine to strive for perfection all the time, but Christ only calls me to love Him. How, every day, do we love Him? Every decision, how do we choose love? It was perfect for her life. It was beautiful and providencial!

The point of this story is that Bible study started at 8:30pm. I didn't get home until midnight last night, and had a bunch of work to do before I went to sleep. I woke up this morning, not feeling joyful that my story, the Lord's pursuit of my heart, could have changed someone's life and relationship with Christ, but rather exhausted and wanting to stay in bed until five minutes before I was supposed to leave my house to walk to prayer. Fr. Rocha called me out, and prayer was amazing for it. What a joy it is to be exhausted for the Lord!!

I'm exhausted. Fall Outreach - our biggest push of the semester to find students, get them involved, and start our weekly activities - is just winding its way down. The last almost two weeks have been spent in prayer with and for our student leaders, giving talks to those leaders, moving students into the two dormitories, meeting international students, taking surveys at club fairs, hosting a day-long workshop for student leaders, baking cookies for students in the dorms, making appearances at the dry parties on campus, going with students to free bbqs and concerts, and being as present in the dorms and cafeteria as possible. This week we've had a big bbq after Sunday Mass, a kickball game, four large-group Bible studies (in two days), a weekday Mass with a fun event after, and a volleyball event. After the volleyball on Thursday, we call Fall Outreach finito and move on to the weekly Bible studies, mentorships, "hot hours", and really pushing our National Conference coming up in December. This is gonna be big! ;)

I've had so many amazing opportunities. The Lord has blessed amazingly these past two weeks with consolation after consolation after so much desolation and hunger last year. He's showing us that patience is the way - His way. The spirit of indomitability, that I've had to learn time after time after time, is such a vital virtue in ministry, and such a hard virtue to practice. However, that's all part of trusting the Lord; is it not? Trusting that He truly is omnipotent breeds this practice of indomitability. Last year I was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Ask me about my Ashes" on Ash Wednesday to spur both conversation and questions about when and where Mass was. Well, while there was some conversation, the best came from a man who worked the information desk. He asked some questions, but basically told me his story - he left the Catholic Church. I heard him say he worked the desk certain days and certain times - the same days and times every week. I came back once a week to invite him to Mass we had every Thursday on campus. He said maybe every time, but never came. May came, and I knew he was graduating. I thought I'd never see him again. I was walking down campus late last week with my teammate Pam, when I came across his path. I introduced them to each other, and he introduced me to his friend - a freshman he was showing around the campus. As we were leaving, he turned over his shoulder and shouted, "Oh, Manda? I'm coming back to Catholic Church!" I was amazed. Some people come back into your life so you can truly know the Lord's timing in all things.

There are so many other amazing things, and I'm sure I'll be given the grace to tell you it all in the beatific vision of eternal life. Some day, I hope to write many stories down! The Lord is good. Amen. Alleluia. Goodnight!

Musically Inclined

Hello, friends, family and fellow bloggers.

I have been incredibly busy, and so I haven't had much of a chance to update. However, let me catch you up. I am unpacked in KC, MO. I am in love with my room - see Facebook for pictures. I actually have a room that matches my age; it's a blessing.

Getting settled in took longer than I expected. Moving into a new place, even though we're at the same campus, is a challenge! It's fun to try to find the new routes to places. At one point this week, I was driving home from the Hacienda Walmart in Kansas, when I started chatting with an old friend on the phone. Before I realized it, I was parked and getting ready to get out of my car at home; that is until it dawned on me that I had automatically driven to the old apartment on Roanoke. Oh, geeze! I got back in the car and called my old teammates - so they could have a laugh about it.

Along with new challenges, there are some extremely huge things to come this year. Our students have shown nothing but enthusiasm for this year. I have never been more impressed with a group of young adults in my life. They are so inspiring!

Being in KC has brought on some interesting prayer. We have been attending Mass and holy hour at St. Peter just down the street - a church we never went to last year. It's amazing. Fr. Steve, our former chaplain, is now the pastor there, and he is awesome as ever. He's helping so much in the transition between Fr. Rocha and himself. Fr. Rocha has been busy, but has seemed really excited about his new role with FOCUS at UMKC. He's got the energy we'll need! Prayer has had sporatic points of highs and some interesting dryness; I am thinking I'm just getting used to having a set schedule instead of praying on my own time. The other day was amazing: I had a song stuck in my head. I first started hearing this song when I was making the drive to and from Colorado Springs for Brittany and Brandon Diegel's wedding. The song is Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean. Yeah, if you're a K-LOVE listener, you know what I'm talking about. I was praying using Revelation 5, and, of course the song popped in my head since the lyrics are from that chapter. It was phenomenal to reflect not only on the ultimate goal of eternal salvation and life in heaven, but also the spiritual mystery and reality of the Mass. Thinking of the hosts of angels praising the Lord most especially at the moment of consecration singing those words (ok, so in Scripture it said elders, but, you get the point), put me in incredible awe. We are completely unworthy for the mission He's called us to, but at some moments He brings us into the Holy of Holies - His Throne Room - to challenge our hearts and intentions. Who do we serve? Welp, I'm with the Book of Joshua - Me and my house will serve the Lord. I'm praying for humility of intention as we enter this fall outreach time on Monday. Please pray for humility of intention and success in reaching souls for Christ.

Ok, this coffee shop in Brookside is about to shut down, and I'm thinking they want me to leave soon so they all can go home. Many blessings, love and prayers. Pray for me!
St. Bernard, St. Joseph, St. Therese, St. Francis Xavier, St. Maximillian Kolbe (whose feast was yesterday) and Our Lady of Perpetual Help - Pray for us!
Happy feast of the Immaculate Conception.
-Manda