"Radical" Availability

Today, alone, I've had three separate conversations regarding taking time off.  I was even laughed at by someone when I even said, "No" to something and cited it to, "Guarding my time off."  It's so difficult for those of us in the vineyard of the Lord to take time for ourselves, because we see the value of each soul.  We know that souls have an eternal value, and as evangelists, whether with tweens, teens, college students, parents, or parishioners, we understand the urgent nature of the Gospel message.  We know that we need to reach as many souls as fast as possible.  This is truly a life-or-death business we are in, and it's an eternal business.  We are well trained; we are passionate; we work with great love.

Here's the thing - working as if you are the one saving souls is dangerous for everyone involved.

On a human level, when you begin to work all the time, you find it impossible to separate work from personal.  In ministry it's not necessarily a terrible a thing to have work and personal together all rolled into one thing.  However, look at it from this perspective:

One day I was talking with a woman whom I love and now call one of my best friends.  This woman was exhausted and running hard still after souls, which is completely admirable.  I asked her, "When was the last time you took time just for you?"  She couldn't remember and through her tears told me how tired she was.  What broke my heart even more was the litany of things she said immediately following, "I just know that I need to talk to so-and-so.  I need to call so-and-so.  I need to get with such-and-such team to help them with their practice so I can get a repoir with them.  And all these woman written down here in my prayer journal need to be invested in, too!"  It was that moment that I realized she thought it all depended on her and no one else.  I asked her if she thought that, and she responded she did.  It turns out she forgot that Jesus is doing the work, not her at all.

Taking time is often less about our own physical needs, and more about our own spiritual needs.  If you are working all the time, who is really doing the work?  Even Mother Teresa would take an extra holy hour on her busiest days running an entire religious community and hospital for the ill in Calcutta.  It's a reminder of the One in charge - the Lord.  The Holy Spirit is opening the hearts and softening the soil for the seeds He will plant with the words He gives you.  Really, you just show up when He plans.  He plans for you to show up six days a week, and I'll explain that in a minute.  This is a serious pride issue!  If you are taking yourself that seriously, you need to recall you still need a Savior.  It's by grace, alone, you are who you are (see the second reading from today's lectionary).

It's not good for those you serve to misunderstand what it means to be radically available.  Granted, if someone's mother died, you'd want to be available for that.  If someone was up late writing a paper, you don't need to be available for that.  Having healthy boundaries is a necessity in ministry.  Why is it necessary for you to have these boundaries?  The minute these people rely only on you is the minute you've failed them as an evangelist.  Yes, you can recover from this, but hear my point first.  If someone is attached to you, they most often will not attach to Jesus - the person you are doing the work for.  Having healthy boundaries is a balancing act.  Don't become so detached that you know nothing of them or vice versa (make sure you are doing a healthy amount of sharing in your ministerial relationships), but don't allow a dependency there.  You know what that looks like....

Now, I want to talk about this in the context of the Church.  If you ignore everything I say, don't ignore the mandates of Holy Mother Church.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church says this:

2172 God's action is the model for human action. If God "rested and was refreshed" on the seventh day, man too ought to "rest" and should let others, especially the poor, "be refreshed." The sabbath brings everyday work to a halt and provides a respite. It is a day of protest against the servitude of work and the worship of money.

You, my friends, have been called out.  Here's the important thing to remember.  God is perfect; God can do all.  God rested.  Get over yourselves and take a freaking nap (or a day to go play with your kids).

I am also throwing this out there.  Single people - if you think you don't have time to discern your Vocation right now, you are doing something wrong.  If you experience the call to marriage, make time for him or her NOW, and they will fit into your life in the fullness of time (to steal a line from scripture).

Now, those of you that know me well are laughing hysterically at this blog.  When I was even hired for this job I have now, one of my references warned me, "Manda you're fantastic, but your one downfall is you work too hard."  I write this as a reformed over-worker.  I had a great person talk with me regarding this - my former chaplain when I worked for FOCUS as a Team Director.  Fr. Lowry challenged my a lot in my time off.  There were two times, explicitly, I remember him sending me home to take time off. Now I take time off.  I stay home Tuesday mornings because I'm in late Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.  I take Fridays and Saturdays, generally (sometimes there are relational ministry games and plays to go to, so I take extra time elsewhere).  I see friends when I'm home. I call my family.  I write my grandfather a letter.  I pray.  I visit with my spiritual director.  I have a glass of wine and watch Downton Abbey.  I play my guitar.  I sit in a coffee shop and read.  I drive to the gluten-free bakery.  I go to the farmer's market.  What's so wrong with those things?  Nothing.  It's a beautiful thing.

I Got Called Out!

I've had several conversations in the past few weeks about people who don't believe in voting.  There are a couple of things that don't sit well with me:
1. Voting for someone I know isn't 100% pro-life (abortion, contraception, death penalty, unjust wars)
2. The fact that our country is really a Bi-partisan System
3. Is it really my MORAL OBLIGATION to vote?  And who said?  "Do I HAVE to?" (Yes, insert Manda-whiney-voice here)

I googled it.  That's right; I straight googled what I'm supposed to do.  That's the tricky thing with the internet; you never know what you're gonna get.

I came across this site:
http://www.ewtn.com/vote/voting_faq.htm
 Praise GOD for EWTN.  Grateful for good nuns in Alabama....

The part of this site that really stuck out to me is the use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

2239 It is the duty of citizens to contribute along with the civil authorities to the good of society in a spirit of truth, justice, solidarity, and freedom. The love and service of one's country follow from the duty of gratitude and belong to the order of charity. Submission to legitimate authorities and service of the common good require citizens to fulfill their roles in the life of the political community.

"Service of the common good require citizens to fulfill their roles in the life of the political community."  Um, wow.  What is my role in this ambiguous idea of the political community?  I'm definitely not called to run for an office and be a politician myself - I kind of have a full-time job (youth ministers of the world - please laugh at the use of 'full-time' there.).  I'm definitely not called to give money to the political campaigns of others; insert bad joke about youth minister's salary here.  It logically follows that my duty now becomes voting.

It hurts my heart to think so many people don't think voting will do any good.  Many of these people are smart enough to know this - grace builds upon nature.  If you want to be a holy person, practice the virtues.  If you want to be a holy person, act like a holy person.  If you want to see a change in this world, live that change.  If you want to change the minds of politicians, voice your concerns!  How big is your God?  If your God is big enough to die and three days later rise from the grave for your sins, then your God is big enough to take your little vote somewhere.  This is the beauty of our God; He will never take our free will.  You have the choice to work with grace or against it.  It's the same here!  Let's work with grace and begin the process of changing our country.  It takes one person at a time.  One mind at a time.  One tiny little law at a time.

You want to see real change?  Be that real change.  Vote.

Spiritual Poverty

"My brothers and sisters, show no partiality

as you adhere to the faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ.

For if a man with gold rings and fine clothes

comes into your assembly,

and a poor person in shabby clothes also comes in,

and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes

and say, "Sit here, please, "

while you say to the poor one, "Stand there, " or "Sit at my feet, "

have you not made distinctions among yourselves

and become judges with evil designs?

Listen, my beloved brothers and sisters.

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world

to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom

that he promised to those who love him?"

James 2:1-5 

So, I can't take credit for going after this verse tonight, as we studied it with the teens during our weekly prayer group.  However, when "the stars align" I simply must blog.

First, a warning that the language of the current show I've been enamored with (curse of an addictive personality) will likely show itself in this post.  I've been watching Downton Abbey at the recommendation of my parish's Parochial Vicar.  Excellent choice!

Ok, now that's settled, I've been having some wonderful conversations with a dear friend of mine these past few months, specifically regarding evangelization and the direction of our lives.  The beautiful thing is that we talk often about evangelization and what it looks like as a lifestyle.  Those of you who know me well know that this is a great passion of my life.  Here's how the two stories combine:

When Bl. Mother Teresa was called by Christ to found the religious community the Missionaries of Charity, she saw the physical poverty of Calcutta.  She felt the call of Christ as He reminded her of His Thirst.  "I thirst," He said on the Cross as a reminder of His love - His thirst for us.  This same woman saw the United States as a place of great Spiritual Destitution.  In the United States, we have access to just about anything we desire; movies, music, internet, BLOGGING, Twitter, Facebook, education, food that we like, clothing, etc.  The poverty in America is not of a physical nature, but of a spiritual one.  (Please note that I'm not denying the very dire situations of several people in our country.  I'm simply making commentary on the social state of many of those we encounter daily.)

When we read the passage above, of course we are called to care for the poor.  I will never deny that justice is still a deep-seeded desire of my heart and a great virtue of the Father.  However, if we take this verse and apply it to the great need of our own nation - spiritual poverty - how much more are we called to love in ministry?  Isn't it so easy sometimes to sit back and allow ourselves to give those a front row seat?  I see this sometimes in myself; it's easy sometimes to work with those in front of you rather than to continue to push to find the new souls the Lord has entrusted to your care.  You alone are to find them (with grace), and so you alone must seek them (with grace).  

Tonight I'm reminded that my desire to seek that lost hasn't waned a bit.  I desire to work with and deepen those who are striving for virtue and holiness, but so much of my heart continues to desire to seek those who are not wanting this.  I will continue to make new contacts and search for those who allow the seeds of the Gospel to take root in their lives.  Pray for my continued conversion.

He would stop at nothing...

to be with his beloved."

This is a quote from a movie I started watching, but the quote began to spin my head into oblivion.  I never actually got past the first scene of the movie.  The movie is called "John of the Cross".  

I reflect a lot on the lives of the Saints, especially in my new home as a missionary.  The Lord has called me to take up residence as a missionary to Middle School and High School youth in Mesa, AZ.  This particular parish I'm working with has a beautiful, albeit out of the ordinary, mural behind the altar.  The mural has several well-known Saints and Blesseds admiring the tabernacle placed in the center of the sanctuary.  This year several of these holy men and women are the patrons and patronesses of the small groups for the EDGE program, giving the students opportunity to learn more about what devotion to Saints really means.  It's awesome to see how they've responded so far!

Back to the topic - He would stop at nothing to be with his beloved.  In this case, the Beloved is the Lord.  The true difference between a Saint and another person who is merely existing is their honest pursuit of their Beloved.  This is why Saints are married, consecrated or really any Vocation that is a true Vocation.  They stop at nothing to run after their Beloved.  They've found something - the pearl of great price - and they're selling everything they own just for that pearl.  

Here's the thing - he would stop at nothing.  That's the problem, isn't it?  If we were to accomplish the sanctity of this man, of these men, would we not already be home?  Isn't just this life a journey home?

I was convicted in prayer in June about the Lord's desire for me to pray.  Yes, ok, I know He wants me to pray, but it's all the more important not just because it "gets me through the day" or because "consolation is how I function".  Here's the beautiful thing He told me (and maybe I'm way behind the curve here, because I'm sure everyone reading this has been there) - no matter how much I need the consolation, no matter how much I struggle with loneliness, these moments of consolation in prayer, these moments of sheer tenderness, mean far more to Him than they will me.  That's why I should go to prayer - the selfless motivation that it means something to the Beloved.  That's the beauty of these Saints - these men!  They are true men!

Isn't that what our battle is?  Women, don't we feel like we're fighting a battle against ourselves and for our men?  I struggle every day when I see men fail to be real men because the culture tells them what "masculinity" truly is.  Being a man isn't your sexual conquests.  Being a man isn't making the big bucks to bring home to yo' baby mama.  Being a man isn't even owning up to the mistakes you've made.  Being a real man is accepting that your life is one laid in pursuit of the Beloved, and selflessly following His will for you.  Eventually that leads you to a life of great sacrifice but amazing reward in marriage (marriage to a beautiful woman or a beautiful Church - He'll tell you!).  

So, tonight I'm called out, once again.  In the true freedom of prayer that I learned in Honduras, I'm begging the Lord for His strength to stop at nothing for the Beloved.  For Him.  For me.  For whoever out there is going to be bold enough to love me through the journey Home.  Praise God.  Have a goodnight!

New Life in Africa

Fooled you!  I don't actually live in Africa - it just feels like I do.

I moved to Tempe, AZ, and have begun planning for the Edge (Middle School) program at St. Timothy Catholic Church in Mesa. 

I'll be posting as soon as I get the part needed for my computer (should be tomorrow!), and the Toshiba all fixed up.  Beware!  I have many things to say.....

:)

Vision for the Mission

These past few months have been focused (haha) on discernment for my life. I am constantly finding myself asking the question, "Lord, what the heck am I supposed to do next year?" I feel pressure from all sides to make a swift decision, and it's understandable. FOCUS needs to know what I am doing, so they can either find my replacement to lead the team at NAU, find a place for me at the Support Center, or a number of other things. My family wants to know when I'll be home, if I'm moving back to Denver, and what my life is going to look like. My friends are split down the middle. Even with all of this swimming around me, I am not allowing it to steal my peace. The previous two weeks have been hectic, stressful, and I have not allowed myself to be at peace while trying to make a decision. I no longer allow this.

I sat with myself in prayer the last few days and tried to find my passion. Yes, I am passionate about Jesus Christ. He is everything to me. I sat with my own heart, dissecting it to find what He laid upon it in order to find what He wants. I don't know any more what my life is supposed to look like, but I do know one thing: Evangelization is my passion. I rarely get worked up when giving a talk with the same passion and force unless it's about evangelization. I spent about an hour with some ladies who spent their time telling me that some people in their sphere of young adults are all about prayer and others are all about evangelization - as if the two are entirely separate. I see something happening in some hearts, and it scares me. There used to be a false dichotomy of people within the Church - those who were faithful and those who loved social justice. This did not and does not make sense; a very faithful Archbishop has been quoted saying, "If we do not take care of the poor, we are going to hell." He also stresses the need for daily prayer and an intensity within the Sacramental life. Here is my dilemma, people - Evangelization is VITAL. It is not an option, no matter who you are. If you are Catholic, you are called to evangelize. This doesn't mean you are called to be a street-preacher. This doesn't mean you are called to be a FOCUS Missionary, necessarily, but you are a missionary.

To evangelize is the grace and vocation proper to the Church, her profound identity."

-Pope Paul VI, Evangelii Nuntiandi

I sit in prayer, and I become on fire for this mission of the world. "If you are would you ought to be, you will set the world on fire." -St. Catherine of Sienna. Why shouldn't I set the world on fire? "I came to set the world on fire, and how I wish it were already ablaze!" -Luke 2:49 Is it not written in the end of the Gospel of Matthew that Christ's final words to his disciples, prior to his Ascension, were to "Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations." Wow, this isn't an option. It's beautiful, and the ultimate goal of prayer, to have the prayer life described by Blessed John Paul II, "This great mystical tradition...shows how prayer can progress, as a genuine dialogue of love to the point of rendering the person wholly possessed by the Divine Beloved, vibrating at the Spirit's touch, resting filially within the Father's Heart." (NMI 33) However, a fruit of this prayer, this relationship should be the bring this love, this prayer, this beauty, this GRACE to the lives of others. If we are not evangelizing, if we are not bringing the fruit of pure light into the darkness of our world filled with the Culture of Death, we are not truly fulfilling our lives as Christians, as Catholics. We are universal. We follow the Truth. We should bring that truth to others, and it is NOT EVER a choice. Yes, a choice of free will, but should not ever be a "I'll be prayerful or evangelical". No. This is a false dichotomy that the Evil One tries to play within the grounds of our minds and hearts. Do not believe it.

So, my passion lies in this - teaching others how to reach the lost. My heart was created for this. I don't know what that means for my life, but I do know what it means for the next few months - I am renewed in this vision:

We will pierce hearts on the NAU campus with the Gospel and bring students face-to-face with Jesus Christ so that they must make a lifelong decision and must lead others to do the same.

FOCUS at NAU Mission Statement

Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel has come!

The last few weeks, I have been spending time in my prayer and heart "preparing for the birth of the Lord". Really, it's a funny thing to think about - how does one truly prepare themselves for the birth of someone who has already been born? I've spent extra time in the writings of the Saints. I've tried my darndest to figure out the meaning of the "Coming of the Lord". See, I know that in a few short months I will be shouting from the rooftops about the Resurrection of the same Man who was just born this very morning.


I began to place myself, once again, in the lives of those who were placed on the earth before Christ was born. I want to sing "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel!" when I put myself there. The idea that these people had no idea where their redemption was going to come from (outside of these little hints from a crazy guy named Isaiah ;) ) is a completely foreign concept for the hearts of us who often fall into complacency! They continued to be actively seeking their Messiah, their Savior. They knew He was coming, and they didn't want to miss a second of Him. They begged God everyday for Him to be born upon the Earth and save them! There were people who remained in the temple day and night to await His coming. There was confusion, brokenness and so much fear. Wow - so it's like today! I had a small moment of great rejoicing in the coming of Emmanuel today when I returned home from my sister's.


I was very much looking forward to coming back to Denver for this Christmas season! I even drove in conditions I probably shouldn't have for about 70 of my 900 mile journey just to be with my siblings this very Christmas Eve (watch the Broncos play and have breakfast with my family). I came back to my parents' house where my car is still stuck out front in the foot of snow that the plow left for us to park in, and no one else home. It was a beautiful experience to sit alone on Christmas Eve. I walked to my sister's for a couple hours, and came home soon after to finish wrapping and prepare for midnight. I pulled open my laptop to play my new favorite Christmas songs - Brandon Heath's "Night Before Christmas" (which I blogged about before), Phil Wickham's "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel", and Francesca Battistelli's "You're Here", and jumped onto Twitter out of habit. I was trying to think of my Christmas Tweet to my friends on Twitter, when I looked to see what was trending. I was certain Tim Tebow would be on that list, and, alas, I was right. To my grandest surprise, there was something trending far more than Timmy tonight (despite his terrible showing of FOUR TURNOVERS) - Midnight Mass. Screaming "O, Come, Emmanuel" in my head when I drive past the Adult Stores, when I see the destitution of Flagstaff, when I think about the culture I live in everyday I walk on campus to bring Him to the students and the students to Him, suddenly was before my face. He's here! For a brief moment, the entire world stood still about 2000 years ago when a star appeared in the sky. Angels sang shepherds from their flocks to worship the tiniest and most vulnerable of people. More people in this world believe in the existence of angels than they do in the existence of God. People, the world was less shaken by Gabriel's appearance to Mama Mary, an angel coming to the earth to visit a human being and call her Blessed, than it was the birth of GOD. When I looked to see that more people were posting about Him, not just being born upon the earth, but that they had seen and received Him, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity just a few moments before was absolutely breath-taking. In that moment, joy was born again into my soul. In that moment, in my parents' basement, all alone on Christmas Eve, I found myself at a loss for words at the entire world standing still for yet another moment. The very moment He came down to experience humanity in humility.





REJOICE! REJOICE! EMMANUEL HAS COME TO YOU, OH ISRAEL!





The vulnerability of the Christ Child has brought me to my knees once again. He's here. So today, I hold Jesus in my arms. Today I bring myself to the manger stable, and I rejoice with my entire being at Incarnation. Happy birthday, beautiful baby boy, and welcome to this wonderful world You created.





"What came about in bodily form in Mary, the fullness of the godhead shining through Christ in the Blessed Virgin, takes place in a similar way in every soul that has been made pure. The Lord does not come in bodily form, for 'we no longer know Christ according to the flesh,' but He dwells in us spiritually and the Father takes up His abode with him, the Gospel tells us. In this way the child Jesus is born in each of us."


-St. Gregory of Nyssa - "On Virginity"

Well, I'm back...

I love the world; it's so backwards. Does anybody else notice this? We are currently celebrating Christmas as a world! Shoot, we didn't even get the turkeys in the oven before many stores, Starbucks and other retail areas had put up the Christmas decor. Wait, though, I'm Catholic! We still have Advent! How many of us will be sorry that Christmas is over on December 26th? Well, the Liturgical calendar has it right - we celebrate an entire 8 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS! Gotta love the idea of the octave!

This is all coming to me after listening to what is now most likely my favorite Christmas Song. Yes, I caved into the Christmas spirit a little early, as well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCitZPr2oD0 You should totally listen to this...





The Lord offered me the awesome opportunity to dwell more deeply on the mystery of the Incarnation through the Blessed Virgin through this song. I love the beauty of the Child Christ. How humble! This song really captures the confusion of the world - each of our lives, really - before the birth of Jesus. Frightened, hurt, frustrated, confused, lost. I don't actually want to dwell on the idea of conversion in relation to this song. Actually, I was granted a beautiful meditation on the Blessed Mother, herself.





Recently, a friend of mine gave birth to her first child. Because of the phenomena known as social media, I was able to see pictures of the beautiful baby girl before I could meet her this past week (Thanks for coming to Kona, baby Lucy!). I thought a great deal on the idea of birth - giving life. Then Advent happened. Whoa. Hey, world!! Mary is only in her 8th month of pregnancy - bun's not out of the oven, yet, kids! Kneeling after receiving communion one morning in the Newman Center chapel, I had an amazing meditation of Mary. I have always marveled in the idea of pregnancy and birth; I'm a woman who naturally has the inclination toward motherood! I have always loved the devotions to the Baby Jesus, like the Infant of Prague. It's beautiful to think of such great humility our Lord, our Master, and most importantly our greatest ally and Savior takes upon Himself! I have rarely spent much time thinking on the pregnancy of Mary. Ok, that's not true...but what a blessing Elizabeth had to place her hands the first Tabernacle - the holy womb that held the salvation and greatest gift to all of mankind! Instead of jumping the gun and holding the Infant Jesus in my prayer to prepare for His Birth (so backwards...so worldly!), I began to remember that she had to give birth first! The truth of patience is now before my face in prayer everyday as Mary and I both await the birth of her child! What was going through her mind and heart? "My Lord! I am so greatly pleased, but I simply cannot wait to meet Him!!" If she could wait the 9 months to bear the Savior for the entirety of humankind, I think I can wait one month with her to prepare my heart, mind, soul, mission, and most importantly LIFE for the coming of my King.





Since it's only halfway through the first of four weeks of Advent, I think there will be more to come on this meditation!

Katie

“My whole life I’ve looked at my faith as a code by which to live and eventually if I followed this code, I would be happy and satisfied. I thought I had a strong faith foundation but that foundation crumbled when I heard John Leyendecker’s talk at Focus Conference 2011. I heard of his strong relationship with Christ and Mary his mother, and realized that I did not have that in my life. I had never thought that a relationship with Christ was what I needed. I thought obedience was enough. During Dr. Reyes’s keynote, he spoke about how God gave us free will to obey him and love him. I thought that I had known this fact before and tried to explain it to others. So much more came out of it when he added that God will follow us no matter what we do; He will never give up on us. Faith seemed to become more of a journey with the Lord and not just obedience. Then came Chris Stefanick’s talk making all of us take a step back and look at what the Lord has done for us and how much he loves us. This made Dr. Reyes’s talk even more poignant because at that point I realized that Christ loves us so much that he will follow us on our journey through life. In one weekend my faith changed from being simple obedience to God’s Word to a journey with the Lord where I can have a relationship with my Creator and where I can run to him with any need that I have.”
-Katie, Freshman

Megan

“During a short talk with a FOCUS missionary, I was caught off guard by an offer to attend a FOCUS conference in Denver after the first of the year. I have attended Catholic Conferences previously when I was a teenager and was familiar with these big talks that are so intense and give you the feeling that you are on top of the world, and you are a changed person. Then reality hits and it’s back to the same daily life of sin and suffering. I am now a junior in college and have been distant from the church for about 2 years. As I sat there with the opportunity to take on this ‘Conference’ once again, I thought about how I did not want to take this scholarship away from someone who would be on fire for God after the conference more than I would be. As I thought about it, I made a promise to God; I will not use this experience for my own self happiness but to gain something more. What I did not expect was to fall in love with Christ in a way that changed my heart forever. I opened my heart to God, and He came into it with a purpose, a purpose to love me and take me on this pilgrimage that will be life- long and lead me to the kingdom of heaven. By the Grace of God, I have been able to see the light through the FOCUS conference, and I will always thank that one person God put in my life to encourage me to take a chance - one that will never be forgotten.”
-Megan, Junior

Student Testimonies

"The Newman Center has definitely been a highlight of my first year in college. It has, first and foremost, helped increase my love and knowledge of God through the bible study and has played a key role in helping me develop a strong faith. I’m especially glad that NAU’s campus is a FOCUS campus. The missionaries were extremely helpful in getting me involved and helping me feel comfortable within the community. Not to mention the FOCUS conference was an amazing experience and helped affirm my faith. Without the help of FOCUS and the Newman Center I can’t imagine how much more of a different person I would be. Especially in college when it can be hard to find people who have the same ideals, morals, and behaviors as you do when trying to live a Catholic life. I’m very thankful for all the people I have met through the Newman Center as they help keep me strong and remind me of God’s love for us as his children."

-Alejandro, Freshman

New Post Coming Soon!

The Adventures of Arizona are coming soon! Keep your eyes open for the excitement that is my life in Flagstaff!

Virtue of Patience

During fall outreach, I was having an absolute blast. I enjoyed meeting students and trying to convince them to be involved in a FOCUS Bible study. My one sadness was that, while we were getting a crazy amount of numbers, I was having a hard time finding a student or two or three who were looking like they were going to be potential student leaders. Sure, we had sophomores who were excited and getting ready to run with the mission, but we needed those freshmen! I was excited, but getting a little discouraged. I just prayed on my way to an event on campus. I asked God, "Where the heck are the leaders?" I went to the event, and Levi, one of our future at the time student leaders (meaning he's a student leader now, but he wasn't at the time), introduced Pam and me to a group of students who wanted to get involved in something Catholic, since they were, in fact, Catholic themselves. One of the girls and I started having an intense conversation. In the middle, she started crying and said, "Before I came down here, I was sitting with my Bible open and just asking Jesus for fellowship - strong, Catholic fellowship!" She was praying around the same time I was. I thought that surely this was the girl who was meant to be a student leader.

Fast forward a couple months - she'd been going to Bible study regularly and faithfully. She was doing really well. Then, all of the sudden, she disappeared, right about the time I wanted to start investing more heavily in her. I couldn't get a hold of her, and didn't see her for three weeks! It was strange. She suddenly showed back up and acted as though everything was ok. We had a strong conversation about how she basically dropped our friendship. I was so frustrated because I thought she was the student leader we were looking for! It turns out that's not the case - she didn't even go to our National Conference.

The semester started abruptly, and this girl was on fire. She attended the Passion Conference over break, and was lit up about everything. We had an honest conversation about Living Order and being faithful. I wanted her to think hard about stepping up as a student who could lead others around her. She became crazy faithful. She started bringing others to Mass and Bible study - girls I could never reach myself. She's on fire.

If I had started having the leadership conversations with this girl first semester, we'd have a weaker student in leadership who isn't stable and faithful enough to lead others her age. She's already basically discipling other girls. She even took over my Bible study this week when I went to the Team Director Summit in Nebraska to further discern whether I am called to be a Team Director next year or not! I've been impressed. I'm grateful the train was slowed for me though; patience is a great virtue.

Pray for this girl, as we continue to have conversations about discipleship. I think she'll be in discipleship before Spring Break!

Bus Craziness, Getting Lost in Florida, and Losing my Roommate to St. Louis

Conference

Really that's what this is about. You may be asking yourself, "What is conferenec?" Well, I'll tell you. Conference is where about 4,000 college students, crazy about Jesus, get even more crazy about Jesus, and happen to celebrate New Year's Eve with Matt Maher. Sounds a little nuts, right? Well, you'd be right in that thinking! I wanted to write down my conference experiences, as I'm seeing conference in a new light - as a missionary. While it's my second year on staff, making me, I guess, a seasoned veteran, I've never experienced conference in this way before - work. I'll take you day by day in the life of Manda Poffel at conference - it's hilarious.

MONDAY - I left my parents' house in Denver at 6am. My mom and dad sent me on my way (both had already left for work!) to drive through Nebraska to get my disciple, Sarah Phillips. Jesus is funny. I made it most of the way without getting lost, but once Sarah and I stopped in Lincoln for gas, life was over. We ended up miles from highway two, which connects people who are in I-80 to I-29 getting them to Kansas City. Luckily, a dear friend is a missionary there, and he was willing and able to direct us the right way. Thanks, Chris!

We finally made it home, and waited for my college roommates (who were riding the bus with us) to get to my house in Kansas City, Missouri - where we would eat the chicken lasagna they would be bringing. Mmmmm. They made it, we ate, and life was great as we all hunkered down for sleep that night. Pam and I made our way to the airport around midnight to pick up some girls from California. I suppose the pre-conference job of a missionary is never done! ;)

TUESDAY - Waking early for Mass at 8:15am, we made our sleepy way to St. Peter down the street. This is where Amanda (former college roommate) fell on the ice. This is where the jokes about a donut pillow started. After Mass, the craziness began. The buses were going to be at St. Peter's at 1:00. It was now 9:00am. I needed to unpack from break, pack for conference, get about twelve different documents printed off, call a speaker, call another person who was on staff, and make sure things were set with the bus company. Needless to say, I was late to the bus. I told students to be at the bus at 1:30pm. I started getting phone calls at 12:45pm asking where the buses were, and where I was. This added stress and anxiety. I tried to steady myself, but eventually gave my phone to a student to have them start answering any questions about directions or where the buses were.

I finally made my way to the buses, met the drivers and set up a system for checking in. I met with my bus captains, and then just let them take over from there. I found out my teammate Pam was on her way to the airport, just around the time that everyone was on the buses. We tried to stall the buses so that Pam could make it back in time, but that just wasn't going to happen. We got the buses on their way, and gave Pam good directions to St. Louis - where we were going to meet about twenty-five more students to load up. So, we get on our way. I sit in my seat and try to relax, but I realize that I'm still in charge. Even though all of our students are here, on the bus, and I have four AMAZING bus captains running the show for the next 26 hours. However, my security blanket, my team director, my Pam, was not with us. She was driving around Missouri, no clue where she was going, and I was on a bus, scared out of my mind because I was suddenly in charge of everyone! I tried to settle down and just have conversation with those around me, but I realized I wasn't fully present. I made my way to the back of the bus to meet everyone on our bus, and escaped to the restroom. I hid myself in it for a few minutes to pray out all my fear. I had no idea what was going to happen!

Moving on, my bus captains did such a great job, that the four hour drive to St. Louis seemed to fly by. I finally got there, and Pam pulled in about 1/2 an hour later. Life was good again, and my security blanket was back. :) Students were happily (really, more grudgingly) eating their McDonald's, and we were back on the road. I hadn't lost anyone yet.

WEDNESDAY - Tuesday night into Wednesday morning was interesting. We hunkered down for the night, and I got myself some Tylenol PM in order to be able to catch some Zzz's. Eventually, Morgan and I realized that both of us trying to sleep on the bus seat was not going to work, no matter the amount of Tylenol PM. I threw my sleeping bag under the seat and stretched out on the floor. YES! Sweet, sweet sleep.

Until 3am when we swtiched bus drivers. Ok, time to not judge Manda. When the new driver got on the bus, she made her presence very much known. I was awake, and I could hear her. I chose not to get up until we were securely on the highway. I just asked her to continue to drive until more students were awake for breakfast. Again, back to sleep, sweet sweet sleep.

We finally rolled into Florida around noon. Nancy, our wonderful new bus driver, made a stop at the first rest stop in Florida because they offer a free cup of orange juice. The students were so excited for the sunshine and free juice! What a gift!

Around three or four pm we got ourselves to the hotel in Orlando. We were so exited when we finally saw the Mariott World Center Resort. We gout ourselves checked into the conference center, and made our ways up to the hotel's check-in desk. At this point I was experiencing relief because all of our students were safely in Orlando. Nothing too drastic happened, outside of having to make one stop for Dramamine. My relief was quickly drained when I made my way up to the front desk of the hotel - the line was almost three hours long for check-in. I began to make my way to the front to the missionary check in. I checked in, ran my bags to the room, and came running back down with my computer. In the back of the line were our students from NWMSU, MWSU, MSU, UCM and UMKC. I started getting them together by their rooms. I did the best I could with the students who were from the other universities, but I had no guarantees that the room assignments were going to remain the way we had sent them in. You can imagine my relief was quickly draining when I noticed that our students were not going to get their showers, dinner and room keys before the first talk of the evening and Mass. I was UPSET. I got them squared away, made my way to my room to eat a quick dinner of salad and ran down the stairs to the first talk and Mass. Our students started trickling in slowly. We were exhausted, but Matthew Kelly did an amazing job keeping our students awake. He challenged them to be more awake in weekly Mass, to bring our Bibles to every Mass and to bring a "Mass journal" to every homily in order to take from the Mass. Mass was amazing. Finally we had a concert by Matthew West. He was amazing; the girls swooned until they saw the ring on his left hand. Haha. One of his songs was played at one of our women's nights last semester - History - and so some of the women were really excited about it when he played it. The students were exhausted, so we all hit the hay.

THURSDAY - Happy New Year's Eve! My day started with a 7:15am meeting about Impact Session Speakers. That day I had an impact speaker to take care of, and an Archbishop to pick up from the airport. I was excited - conference was in full swing. I got myself ready, and found a spot to make sure all of the details from each pseaker were confirmed, and that I knew where I was going. I spent the first Concurrent Session getting my bearings. Our students were in talks, getting their excitement on for the concert that night. I made my way down to Mass, and then lunch. Ate with the students - it was awesome. We moved our way to the Impact sessions. I had a blast introducing Jenny Uebbing for her talk. Got the students excited about their Matt Maher concert that night - and made them practice their countdown. :) Jenny's talk was about Green Sex - it talked about how artificial contraception, the pill in particular, wasn't "green" and, more importantly, that it was bad for women's bodies. It was unfortunate that Jenny had to leave immediately after her second talk, but it was a joy for me. A young woman approached me after the talk and asked me questions. I got to share with her the joys of NFP - Natural Family Planning - and why the pill is bad for her, in particular. It was wonderful. I gave her Jenny's email address so she could ask more questions, but I also gave her mine. She hasn't emailed yet.

After the Impact talks, I had to run over to the Impact office and grab keys to one of the cars - I was on my way to the airport to pick up Archbishop Chaput. Let's just say I was a lot nervous. I made it through the traffic and made it to the airport early. I had my sign that said, "Archbishop Chaput", but I knew what he looked like, and he knows me. He mentioned it was silly for me to have the sign, when I finally saw him. I felt so proud of myself as I successfully navigated through the airport and found the rental car. I made my way out of terminal, and onto the interstate. Life was good, our exit was about a mile away, and the Archbishop and I were having excellent conversation, and I was feeling great. When I exited, I didn't see that the exit was a regular exit, a left exit and then another exit on the right. Well, you miss one of those, and you end up in Disney World. So, Archbishop Chaput, the kindest, gentlest, most patient man I know, just said, "Well, it's ok because I wanted to see Disney World." Ha. What a great guy. We get turned around, and get back onto the right road - International Drive. I got a little confused about the left turn lane into the hotel, ended up turning too early, and was forced to make yet another U-turn. As we pulled into the valet spot outside, Archbishop asked if it would be ok if he took a cab to the airport Sunday morning. His timing was impeccable. I know his intent was to be nice since it was an early flight Sunday morning, but it was hilarious the timing. We got him checked in, and I asked if he wanted me to help him to his room. He declined; hey, who knows how lost I could've gotten inside the monstrocity of a hotel we had.

That's all I have for now, but I wanted to start updating more and more about conference and the post-conference festivities. Keep an eye out for the days following conference!

Feeding of the 5,000

They all ate and were satisfied. Matthew 15:37

Christmas is coming. After Christmas is New Years'. This year, we are going to Florida for New Years'; our National Conference (NC10) for our students is being held in Orlando this year. As NC10 approaches, we are seeing that we have fewer students going than we had originally anticipated. We know it's not about the numbers, but sometimes it's a little discouraging to set a goal we know we can reach, and watch it dissipate from our grasp. I was praying about so many things today that worry me. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I'm not where I want to be - I get so concerned with where my ministry is, where my fundraising is, where my spiritual life is, and where I am in particular, that I worry too much about the next step. This is hilarious, because I am not a planner by nature. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that. The beauty of it all is that God has a greater plan than anything I could ever come up with. The souls who will be boarding our bus to go to NC10 are a hodge-podge of personalities that I would have never put together on a bus to Florida. While there are only 25 of them, there are about twelve in that group that I would have never expected to go to conference!

God reminds us daily of His boundless mercy and generosity. The passage above was mentioned in my Word Among Us devotional this month. Funny story, I wouldn't have this if it wasn't for Fr. Bob's homily this weekend pointing out the books in the back (being free of charge, of course. Don't worry, my faithful mission partners; I am being very frugal!). The verse reminded me of something: "God will never be outdone in generosity." He fed 5,000 people a nice sit-down dinner; they ate until they were full! How can I be worried about my finances, worried about conference, worried about the bus, when God can definitely handle it! That was a big, "Geeze, Manda!" moment.

Saddened Heart

"You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride. You will drink of My lips, and you'll taste new life. You're My beloved. Lover, I'm yours. Death shall not part us; it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be. My love, it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery."

Beloved, Tenth Avenue North

This week, my heart is sad for the women on campus. Ok, really my heart is always saddened for those women, but particularly this week. I got this CD in the mail for my birthday from another missionary who is a best friend out in New Jersey. It included the song from which the lyrics above came from. The lyrics are having a two-fold effect on my life: the first is in my own prayer, the second is in my heart of ministry.

I told everyone it was going to happen this weekend. Even though I knew it was coming, I still couldn't help myself. I had my vocational crisis. This year was different. In years past, it has been, "Lord, I just want to be married! You and I both know I'm not ready for it, but it's what I want! Please!!!!" This year, I looked at my prayer, my heart and my natural life and saw a readiness for marriage. This time it was, "Lord, here I am. I want to be patient, because I know patience will make me more beautiful and ready." This song just reminded me of the steadfast love of the Lord. It's beautiful! My heart was steadied in the stormy ocean of fear and mistrust that I created around it by the everlasting love of the One who pursues me day and night. What a relentless pursuit to just immerse yourself in!

My heart hurts this week. This song just reminds me of the tireless mercy of a God who died for us. I watch the women walk by on campus, wounded, broken and unwilling to yield to the only love and healing that will bring them to where their little hearts need to be. They are giving into lovers who won't satisfy - alcohol abuse, drug use, impure relationships, surface-level friendships that never actually address the need of the women's heart, and men who only want to use women for their bodies (and the women, in turn, using men for their emotional love instead of real love). It's one thing or another, but these women are all broken and hurting. Bruised, bleeding, dying on the inside from some gaping wound they're trying to put a BandAid on. I watch each of them, I interact with them, and a piece of me cries every time they shut Him out.

Today I had a beautiful conversation with a fellow missionary who is serving at Benedictine College. We were talking "vocational preparation" times that the Lord blesses us with. Mine was this Saturday evening. I was responsible for cooking a meal for 20 people. Normally this isn't an issue, but we were on a budget, and I needed to make it nice! I was really nervous, but I surveyed what we already had and came up with a menu that included two pasta dishes and sugar-free dessert. I realized it must have tasted good when my teammate Chris helped himself to five plates of the chicken dish! I was telling my friend Sean Pott that it was vocational prep. He laughed, agreed, and then told me about a time recently he had a "vocational prep" moment. I said, "You know, those are the moments that you're really excited they happen, but then your heart breaks a little when you realize you're not actually there. But you look at the cross, and realize how happy you really are to be exactly where you are!" I am estatic to be the one who reaches those women for Christ. I get to be the one who helps her pick our her chastity ring to recommit herself to a pure life, I get to be the one to share with her for the first time how Christ doesn't just love her, but is madly and passionately in love with her, I get to be the one she calls when she breaks off that relationship that causes the chasm between her and Christ, I get to comfort her when he ends the relationship between them because he "just doesn't like her any more". I am so very blessed to be single. I am so very blessed to be like the Blessed Virgin and pointing them back to Christ over and over. Thank you, Jesus!

Lay it Down

The Lord does not call us to success, but rather to faithfulness.

I've been looking at my efforts as of late, and seeing some success, but not necessarily faithfulness. My team and I were talking this morning; we are busy! There are definitely things in this life that are easy to make an effort toward completing and there are other things in this life that are easy to put on the backburner. How much am I living order this year? I thought I was living out order in my life by investing my very life in my girls, by making sure my administrative tasks are completed on time with excellence, but what is missing? Alot. Recently, I went through a period of 24 hours and wrote down everything I did every fifteen minutes for those 24 hours. I realized I can be much more effective in my life because of how much time I spend outside of my ministry work. I know I am pursuing tasks with excellence now, but I saw a whole world of possibilities open up in front of me when I saw the amount of time I spend elsewhere. I mean, I am still taking my time off; I am still making time for mentorships off campus; I am still making spiritual direction. I am still investing weekly time in my girls. I am still on campus evangelizing. I am still making daily me-time. My administrative tasks are finished, my fundraising is being worked on. How much more could I be doing? Alot. I am not saying I want to kill myself with work. I'm not saying I want to be a work-aholic. I want to see myself being the best I can be for the Lord, and He was asking more of me last week. I sat down with my schedule and realized I had a little more I could give (of course I've reached my limit) ;). I took on another regional responsibility last week. I know this responsibility will stretch me to limits I can't imagine, but I also know God's been preparing my heart (and schedule) for this opportunity. Praise His name!

Reflections...

Today was a very, very long day. It started at 7AM with prayer and ended at 11PM when I came home from rosary with students. It was a good day, though. I got to challenge three girls on living order - yes, studying is important, but getting a 98% on a test is the same in college as a 100%. Studying should never come before time with the Lord. They were pretty receptive. I got to talk with a girl about coming to national conference in December, and she was extremely excited. I got to lead my Bible study; while only three girls showed this week, I still got to share the Gospel with three souls, and for that I'm grateful. I got to pray a rosary with my teammate on campus over the campus and for students' intentions. It was beautiful (and cold). What I wanted to write about was something that happened after all of those amazing things - my car radio.

Ok, so you read earlier how music is just something tuned to my soul; I'm fairly certain both parents are to blame for that. After praying the Rosary with Pam, I sat down in the driver's seat of my car, turned it on, and the country radio station I had left on came on. I was already attune to the spiritual world in my brain, having just meditated on the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, and so when Brad Paisley's song "Then" came across the air waves, I immediately thought of my relationship with Christ. The song starts with the line, "I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met You; You had me mesmerized." That line stuck with me. Just remembering the first time that Christ had really broken through to me through the power of Adoration brought chills through the little Neon. While I had been on other retreats in my life to that point, while I had been to Mass my whole life to that point (thank you, Mommy!), while I had gone to Catholic school my whole life to that point, that time was different. Was it that I was more open? Was it something someone said? Was it the atmosphere? It was the summer of 1999 - just before my freshman year of high school. I don't remember much about that Steubenville of the Rockies Conference, but I do remember Saturday night. It was night time. I remember the announcement that the then-Archdiocesan Director of Youth Ministry made about falling into the aisles or something. I remember that scared me, and so I said, "Who are You?" That was the right question to ask, because He wanted to show me more than anything. Adoration started, and people started crying, rolling down the aisles, etc. I had no idea what was going on. I was singing the songs I had never heard before, looking around at my peers for an explanation, but they all looked a little intent on the monstrance coming down the aisle of the bleachers we were standing on. I stared for a minute, and remember being hit internally with something, Someone. I couldn't speak, I couldn't stop staring - He had me mesmerized. If I had been shown in those moments where I would be ten years later, I would think my Christian Catholic faith was nuts. He's such a smart God. If when I asked that question, He had said, "I'm more powerful than you imagine, Manda. I know EVERYthing about you. Oh, and, in ten years you'll be a second-year missionary with a Catholic Missionary organization on a college campus (oh yes, and you'll have your four-year bachelor's degree by then) in Kansas City, Missouri reaching out to girls who are six and seven years younger than you. And you'll love your job." I probably would have shut down and been sent to an institution. No, He just said, "I AM love." And that's all I needed. As Brad Paisley's song goes on to say, "Now You're my whole life; now You're my whole world....and I thought I loved You then." I thought I loved Christ so much at various moments in my life, even when I was serving with NET. It's so funny how much we grow in years. He's so beautiful, He's so patient. He delivers the gifts and manifests His love in us when He needs it to happen, and when we're actually most ready.

So, I needed that. I needed to know that patience has an answer; the answer is extremely beautiful and sometimes long-winded. So, while I wait for my freshmen girls, my sophomore disciple, and our student leaders to reach where Christ wants them to be, I remember this patience.

I think about all of you tonight, those of you who waited for me to grow up in faith in those times when people now didn't know me (I'm thinking high school). Wherever you are, whether you're a peer in FOCUS now with me (some of my youth ministers in high school), in Colorado waiting for my next text message (family), working with this generation of teens (other youth ministers in high school or other priests, religious and lay people who were speakers, singers, confessors, rappers...etc), know that I pray for you, and thank you for your joyful FIAT to the Lord's call to be patient with me.

"I can't see is how I'm ever going to love You more, but I've said that before. Now You're my whole life, now You're my whole world. We'll look back some day, at this moment that we're in, and I'll look at You and say, 'And I thought I loved You then.' "

The Lost Get Found...

Today I was lamenting in prayer that I haven't been spending enough time evangelizing. I prayed so hard that the Lord would give me His words to say to His people. I am struggling immensely in prayer, being exhausted all the time (trying to remain joyful through it, thanks to Fr. Rocha ;) ), that it's been a struggle to stay focused on campus. A lot of my mind has been on just getting through the day, so I can just rest, so I can just have a good day tomorrow. Today was a day that I reminded myself that today is the only guarantee we have.

I was eating lunch in the University Center with one of our regular students. She dressed up and took me to lunch at the cafeteria to tell me she ended things with a relationship that just plain wasn't good. As we were chatting, my teammate Roger came by with another student I had just met on Tuesday. Soon after, a third student, and fifth person altogether, came by and sat with us at the lunch table. We were laughing and chatting, having a great time. When there was a lull in the conversation I made a comment about our country possibly becoming a socialist nation. The male student who came with Roger agreed and began a discussion about that. I had to step away from the table, as I saw my disciple out of the corner of my eye, and wanted to chat a few minutes with her. When I returned, the discussion of the table had gone from socialism to sexual education within the school systems. We seemed to have a healthy dialogue, and all agreed that there needed to be some kind of reform. It saddened me that the students weren't even entirely informed about the repercussions of sexual intercourse before marriage. I had the opportunity to explain my "abstinence only" view, and how it was really more than abstinence only to a "chasisty only". I explained how sex is a beautiful thing, but that it's meant within the confines of a marriage. I was able to show them the chemical bonds that human beings make during any kind of sexual act. It was kind of an eye-opening experience for them. All of the sudden, the male student sitting next to me said something about being in a Catholic school. So, I started that conversation with him.

I asked him if he was Catholic, and he replied, "Yes, well, not really. I guess I am, but I don't practice any more, so, yes and no. I guess I shouldn't say that I am." I asked him why he wasn't praciticing, and he said he didn't really have a good reason besides laziness. He told me about his parents, and how they used to be devout when they first went through the RCIA program, but how they grew complacent with time. He told me that he'd get into his faith when he was older. I knew I had an opportunity to share with him a little bit about not having a guaranteed tomorrow at that moment. I talked about a friend who died in a car accident when I was 15. She wasn't a close friend at the time, but we had played soccer together in middle school and wanted to be closer. We lost that chance. He said, "It would have to take something like that for me to get into my faith." I asked him, "What does Jesus have to do for you to practice being Catholic again?" (I learned this from another missionary.) He replied, "I don't know. I've never thought about it." Then he proceeded to tell me about his former friend, who he now hates, because he got into drugs. He just kept saying, "I hate him. I don't even care about him any more. I don't care at all." I answered, "Yeah, I think you care more than you're saying." His eyes teared up a little as he said that he agreed and didn't want to talk about it any more. At that moment, he got up from the table, mentioned to Roger and I that he'd always swipe us in if we ever needed to get into the cafeteria, and left at that. What a whirlwind of a day!

I definitely took to heart this conversation. You have no idea who you're going to bump into and what kind of healing they're putting off. I said a prayer for him today, and was able to share with Roger and the other student how I managed to get this guy to open up a little. Praise the Lord!

Now I'm off to make brownies in the dorms and lead my Thursday night Freshmen women's Bible study. I'm excited! Pray for me!

Isn't it a Joy?

"Isn't it a joy to be exhausted for the Lord?"

-Fr. Richard Rocha

This morning, I was running behind for prayer. Ok, I wasn't late, but I was enroute to be exactly on time. Normally this is ok, but this morning I ran into the Diocesan Vocations' Director, who also happens to be our chaplain at UMKC, as I was walking past St. Peter school to get to the chapel inside the "Legacy Center". Fr. Rocha is an amazing and joy-filled man. I wanted to share with him the joy the Lord had given me the previous evening. He said, "MANDA! How are you this fine morning?" All my mind could muster to answer at the time was, "So tired, Father." He smiled and said, "Isn't it a joy to be exhausted for the Lord?" I have to admit, that wasn't my first thought when my alarm went off this morning. I thought, "Wow, I'm tired." THEN I thought, "I had the most amazing three and 1/2 hours last night."

Last night I went to my first weekly Bible study. While this is my second year on campus at UMKC, I had the senior women in Bible study last year, and so I am starting over; I have the freshmen women in Bible study. I've been extremely impressed with them thus far, but I was a little nervous. The first Bible study is always a little awkward, especially when you have to explain to the women, who are still teenagers, that you're actually a college graduate, not even of this school, and you're a good 7 years older than them. Anyway, I had 7 of the many girls I called come; this is a very high number for UMKC. We started off just sharing a little bit about ourselves and our week. Then we dove into Scripture. We talked about God's amazing plan for our lives; how He is the only source of peace and joy in our lives. During the conversation, one girl answered one of my questions this way, "Ok, Manda, I know you want me to say that the reason there's unhappiness in the world is that there's separation from God, but I can't say that. I feel like a hypocrit." I asked her to explain, and she got vulnerable. It was an awesome moment to show her that we're all broken (I got to share my testimony), and for me to see where she is in her life with Christ. We planned a coffee date for Thursday evening (before I come home for the weekend for Alyssa and Sean's wedding in Greeley!), and I hope to talk with her more about her unanswered questions. Pray for me! I'm pretty sure I don't have the answers, but I'm finding hope in the fact that God is allowing her heart to be open to us even through her brokenness!

After Bible study is the part that really made me exhausted today. One of the girls was sticking around helping me clean things up. She's an amazing freshmen woman who just wants Christ to be at the center of her life. We talked about what study would look more like throughout the course of the semester and year, and she seemed really excited. We talked for a few minutes, and something came up that prompted me to ask her about her prayer life. This spurned into a long conversation about where she is in her life. She shared about this confusing situation with a man (isn't it always about men? ;) ). She told me about how she wanted to put Christ first, but didn't know where to go from here; she didn't know where to start. We proceeded to have a 2 and 1/2 hour conversation about prayer, situations, what we are supposed to do in our lives to grow closer to Christ. It was so providencial that I am currently reading a book (by raving reviews of friends, of course) called I Believe in Love. It's a personal retreat set up upon the writings of St. Therese of Lesieux (St. Therese the Little Flower). One of the meditations I read in prayer yesterday was that when Christ called St. Peter, the first Pope of the Catholic Church, the one He gave keys to the kingdom to, He didn't say, "Peter, will you be a man of character and great leader? Will you be as perfect as possible, as sinless as possible, in order to better my kingdom?" No, Christ said, "Peter, do you love Me?" I confided in this girl that it's a struggle of mine to strive for perfection all the time, but Christ only calls me to love Him. How, every day, do we love Him? Every decision, how do we choose love? It was perfect for her life. It was beautiful and providencial!

The point of this story is that Bible study started at 8:30pm. I didn't get home until midnight last night, and had a bunch of work to do before I went to sleep. I woke up this morning, not feeling joyful that my story, the Lord's pursuit of my heart, could have changed someone's life and relationship with Christ, but rather exhausted and wanting to stay in bed until five minutes before I was supposed to leave my house to walk to prayer. Fr. Rocha called me out, and prayer was amazing for it. What a joy it is to be exhausted for the Lord!!